I thought about this thing for 5 days and thought I should write about it or I will get sick just thinking about it.
It was after a year of not touching my violin at all that I thought I better perform a 10 min performance with my fellow alumni, since, I really love their company, and I love to listen to violin music.
We started practice about 2 months or more before the concert (01 Nov).
I am not good in violin - never was, so I practised every Sat and Sun for 2 hours or more. If I have the strength on weekday nights I will practice too. I only stopped for one weekend as my finger was too painful (felt like it was becoming a blister).
After the weeks of practice by myself and with my friends, I thought I finally could play at least decently.
On the day of the concert, the teacher-in-charge told us we were not playing well and there were even talks of last minute cancellation of our performances. My self-esteem just plunged.
We got through the concert just fine, but after the concert, she said that the alumni better practice more regularly or there won't be a next time for alumni pieces for the next concert.
Granted, our juniors' standards are very high this year. I was simply awed listening to their performance. I could almost hear the audience saying that how, we the alumni sounded more like the junior ensemble.
I am very, very envious of people who can play classical instruments very well. When they are around me practising, I felt so honoured to be in their presence. I also feel why can't I ever be like them?
I am sad that even after my practises, I cannot play as well as I hoped to.
I am indignant that my efforts were not recognised. Even if I don't play well, I did put in the effort.
I am just very, very
I smiled while talking with my friends, while performing, but inside, I was really afraid on the day of the performance. I was never so afraid of being on stage before.
I just can't stop thinking about it.
I am sorry.